SHIRT OF FLAME: CO-DEPENDENT NO MORE: THE SECOND CONVERSION OF ST. THÉRÈSE OF LISIEUX

SHIRT OF FLAME: CO-DEPENDENT NO MORE: THE SECOND CONVERSION OF ST. THÉRÈSE OF LISIEUX

For weeks now, at the suggestion of my spiritual director, I’ve been carrying around a yellow Post-It in my wallet. On it are written:

--Make sure I’m putting myself first.

--I’m not responsible for making people happy or always doing what they need.

--I need to have a life first.

--I need to be sure my needs are being met.

I cannot begin to describe how thoroughly, absolutely, horribly each of those grate against my very identity. I was raised to believe that to be good is always to put the other person first, that love consists in ignoring your own needs, that your job is to make other people happy. This may come as news to many of those who are closest to me. Because what happens, it’s taken me almost 59 years to figure out, is that when you try in the wrong way and for the wrong reasons to make other people happy, they end up rebelling. You end up resenting. And the whole thing—your sacrifice, your martyrdom—blows up in your face.

Also, if you try in the wrong way and for the wrong reasons to make other people happy, you tend to think, often rightfully, that people are taking advantage of you, because it is human nature to take advantage of someone who has, however inadvertently, placed him or herself in a position of weakness and victimhood. Which tends to make me, for one, come out fighting, often at what seem to the other person like completely random and unpredictable times, and in wildly out-of-proportion ways....