..."Tell it slant'... ~Emily Dickinson
"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."~Anais Nin
Now you know. The next time you go into the basement wear a helmet. ~Eve
"In extremity, states of mind become objective, metaphors tend to actualize, the word becomes flesh.(1977,205) -Terence Des Pres, 'The Survivor'
“I decided to go in search of the shaking woman.” Siri Hustvedt
A hundred times a day I remind myself that my inner and outer life are based on the labors of other men, living and dead, and that I must exert myself in order to give in the same measure as I have received and am still receiving. ~Albert Einstein
As Christians and Jews, following the example of the faith of Abraham, we are called to be a blessing to the world. (cf. Gen. 12:2ff). This is the common task awaiting us. It is therefore necessary for us Christians and Jews, to be first a blessing to one another. (L'Osservatore Romano, Aug. 17, 1993) ~John Paul II
"...there is need for acknowledgment of the common roots linking Christianity and the Jewish people, who are called by God to a covenant which remains irrevocable (cf. Rom.11:29) and has attained definitive fullness in Jesus Christ." ~John Paul II
...a consistent contempt for Nazism(condemning it as early as 1930...as 'demonic' and 'wedded to Satan') and Communism as virulent atheism...he referred to them as "Gog and Magog"... ~on Claudel

Today, it seems, most were born ‘left-handed.’ Every one I see walking is ‘hinged at the hips’, in-sync’ and glued to metallic boxes. ~Chelé
"A true opium of the people is a belief in nothingness after death - the huge[illusory] solace of thinking that for our betrayals, greed, cowardice, murders we are not going to be judged." - Czeslaw Milosz
*A writer is dear and necessary for us only in the measure of which he reveals to us the inner workings of his very soul*. Tolstoy
I will not let thee go except thou be blessed. Now wouldn’t it be a magnificent world if we all lived that way with each other or even with ourselves?
"I, Sister Faustina, by the order of God, have visited the abysses of hell so that I might tell souls about it and testify to its existence...But I noticed one thing: that most of the souls there are those who disbelieved that there is a hell." -Saint Faustina
Do you hear what I hear? A child, a child crying in the night.

"Every time you dance, what you do must be sprayed with your blood. ~Rudolf Nureyev
Why would someone who looked God in the face ever suppose that there could be something better? ~Matthew Likona

We cannot know what we would do in order to survive unless we are tested. For those of us tested to the extremes the answer is succinct: anything

…”The Stoics throned Fate, the Epicureans Chance, while the Skeptics left a vacant space where the gods had been –[nihilism]—but all agreed in the confession of despair;...and...Oriental schemes of thought contributed a share to the deepening gloom..." ~Gwatkin

"...notes to the committee...why do you invite cows to analyze the milk?" -Peter de Vries

"I run because it gives Him pleasure." ~Eric, Chariots of Fire

“God’s truth is life,” as Patrick Kavanagh says, “even the grotesque shapes of its foulest fire.” What is the difference between a cry of pain that is also a cry of praise and a cry of pain that is merely an articulation of despair? Faith? The cry of a believer, even if it is a cry against God, moves toward God, has its meaning in God, as in the cries of Job. ~Christian Wiman

"Insanity is relative. It depends on who has who locked in what cage." - Ray Bradbury

As for what concerns our relations with our fellow men, the anguish in our neighbor's soul must break all precept. All that we do is an end in itself, because God is Love. ~Edith Stein, St. Benedicta of the Cross.

“Lastly, and most of all. Who turns his back upon the fallen and disfigured of his kind; abandons them as vile…; does wrong to Heaven and man, to time and to eternity. And you have done that wrong!” ~Dickens, The Chimes, 1844

Dieu me pardonnera. C'est son métier . ~Heinrich Heine.

Remember the 'toe-pick' and you won't get swallowed by the whale or eaten by the polar bear.

Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well ~James Goldman, Eve [Or, tired of being the scapegoat yet? ~Sue]

There is a point where the unfortunate and the infamous unite and are confounded in a single word, miserable; whose fault is this? And then should not the charity be all the more profound, in proportion as the fall is great? -[Jesus Christ said so.] -- Br. Humbert Kilanowski, O.P.

The lamps are going out all over Europe; we shall not see them lit again in our lifetime. -Sir Edward Grey

We are still fighting to use the tools we have to grapple with the unknown.

“We are well advised to keep on nodding terms with the people we used to be, whether we find them attractive company or not.” ~Joan Didion"

When I fall into the abyss, I go straight into it, head down and heels up, and I'm even pleased that I'm falling in just such a humiliating position, and for me I find it beautiful. And so in that very shame I suddenly begin a hymn.
—Fyodor Dostoevsky

" ...wie geht es zu, daß ich alles so anders sehe ...?"

“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”― Maya Angelou

'Have you ever noticed that the meanest, most misogynist, and dangerous people tend to be activists who claim to be for freedom and love?'

"For others of us, the most loving thing we can do for our abusers is to keep them from having opportunity to abuse ever again." (Dawn Eden) My Peace I Give You, Ch. 1)

No child is ever responsible for abuse perpetrated on them by ANYONE. I understand that others may not "get it" and that's fine. Blaming the victim is never right or just under any circumstances.

Stay In Touch -Have I not proven to you that I Am in the saving sinners business? -Jesus


HOPE: Hold on to the great truths of the Faith...Own your challenging affliction...Persevere...Expect God's providence and intervention... ~Johnette Benkovich, Woman of Grace
O my Jesus, forgive us our sins, save us from the fires of hell, lead all souls to heaven, help those especially in need of thy mercy. - OL of Fatima
Prescription #1: Give God the greatest possible glory and honor Him with your whole soul. If you have a sin on your conscience, remove it as soon as possible by means of a good Confession. ~St. John Bosco
Prescription #2: In thankful tenderness offer Reparation for the horrible mockery and blasphemies constantly uttered against the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob; against the Blessed Virgin Mary; the saints and angels; His Church; His priests and religious; His children; and His loving Heart by reciting the Golden Arrow which delightfully wounds Him:
'May the most holy, most sacred, most adorable and ineffable Name of God be forever praised, blessed, loved, and honored by all the creatures of God in heaven, on earth and in the hells through the Sacred Heart of Jesus in the most Blessed Sacrament of the altar. Amen.
Prescription #3: So, let us go out to Him outside the camp, bearing His reproach. ~Heb.13:13
Prescription #4: "Do whatever He tells you." ~John 2:5
Prescription #5: Sometimes when I am in such a state of spiritual dryness that not a single good thought occurs to me, I say very slowly the "Our Father" or the "Hail Mary"and these prayers suffice to take me out of myself. ~St. Therese of Lisieux
Prescription #6: Have confidence in God's Love, Justice, and Mercy: ...as for me, O my God, in my very confidence lies all my HOPE. For Thou, O Lord, singularly has settled me in hope." -St. Claude de la Colombiere SJ

Pages

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Sanctuary for the Abused: Why Women Stay

Sanctuary for the Abused: Why Women Stay
Excerpt:
Situational Factors
Economic dependence. How can she support herself and the children? Fear of greater physical danger to herself and her children if they try to leave.

Fear of being hunted down and suffering a worse beating than before.

Survival. Fear that her partner will follow her and kill her if she leaves, often based on real threats by her partner.

Fear of emotional damage to the children.

Fear of losing custody of the children, often based on her partner's remarks.

Lack of alternative housing; she has nowhere else to go.

Lack of job skills; she might not be able to get a job.

Social isolation resulting in lack of support from family and friends.

Social isolation resulting in lack of information about her alternatives.

Lack of understanding from family friends, police, ministers, etc.

Negative responses from community, police, courts, social workers, etc.

Fear of involvement in the court process; she may have had bad experiences before.

Fear of the unknown. "Better the devil you know than the devil you don't."

Fear and ambivalence over making formidable life changes.

"Acceptable violence". The violence escalates slowly over time. Living with constant abuse numbs the victim so that she is unable to recognize that she is involved in a set pattern of abuse.

Ties to the community. The children would have to leave their school, she would have to leave all her friends and neighbors behind, etc. For some women, it would be like being in the Witness Protection program--she could never have any contact with her old life.

Ties to her home and belongings.

Family pressure; because Mom always said, "I told you it wouldn't work out." or "You made your bed, now you sleep in it."

Fear of her abuser doing something to get her (report her to welfare, call her workplace, etc.)

Unable to use current resources because of how they are provided (language problems, disability, homophobia, etc.) Time needed to plan and prepare to leave.

Emotional Factors
Insecurity about being alone, on her own; she's afraid she can't cope with home and children by herself.

Loyalty. "He's sick; if he had a broken leg or cancer--I would stay. This is no different."

Pity. He's worse off than she is; she feels sorry for him.

Wanting to help. "If I stay I can help him get better."

Fear that he will commit suicide if she leaves (often he's told her this).

Denial. "It's really not that bad. Other people have it worse."

Love. Often, the abuser is quite loving and lovable when he is not being abusive.

Love, especially during the "honeymoon" stage; she remembers what he used to be like.

Guilt. She believes--and her partner and the other significant others are quick to agree-- that their problems are her fault.

Shame and humiliation in front of the community. "I don't want anyone else to know."

Unfounded optimism that the abuser will change.

Unfounded optimism that things will get better, despite all evidence to the contrary.

Learned helplessness. trying every possible method to change something in our environment, but with no success, so that we eventually expect to fail. Feeling helpless is a logical response to constant resistance to our efforts. This can be seen with prisoners of war, people taken hostage, people living in poverty who cannot get work, etc.

False hope. "He's starting to do things I've been asking for." (counseling, anger management, things she sees as a chance of improvement.)

Guilt. She believes that the violence is caused through some inadequacy of her own (she is often told this); feels as though she deserves it for failing.

Responsibility. She feels as though she only needs to meet some set of vague expectations in order to earn the abuser's approval.

Insecurity over her potential independence and lack of emotional support.

Guilt about the failure of the marriage/relationship.

Demolished self-esteem. "I thought I was too (fat, stupid, ugly, whatever he's been calling her) to leave."

Lack of emotional support--she feels like she's doing this on her own, and it's just too much.

Simple exhaustion. She's just too tired and worn out from the abuse to leave.

Personal Beliefs
Parenting, needing a partner for the kids. "A crazy father is better than none at all."

Religious and extended family pressure to keep the family together no matter what.

Duty. "I swore to stay married till death do us part." Responsibility. It is up to her to work things out and save the relationship.

Belief in the American dream of growing up and living happily ever after.

Identity. Woman are raised to feel they need a partner--even an abusive one--in order to to be complete or accepted by society.

Belief that marriage is forever.

Belief that violence is the way all partners relate (often this woman has come from a violent childhood).

Religious and cultural beliefs.

(from the Rural Women's Advocacy Program)
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